Grave Emotional and Mental Disorders

 "Because I am very fragile mentally and emotionally, I cannot afford to rest on my laurels."

My name is Cathy and I am an alcoholic. I've also been diagnosed with another mental disorder in addition to alcoholism.

I picked up alcohol early in life and was drinking on a regular basis by the age of 13. The mental obsession and physical compulsion were there from the very beginning, and alcohol quickly became the most important thing in my life. Everything I did - every choice I made - revolved around alcohol. My life quickly became unmanageable, and by the age of 26, I hit bottom. Fortunately, I was twelfth-stepped into A.A. by a family member. 

As far back as I can remember, I have always struggled with depression. When I was seven years sober, I was still going to meetings, working the Steps, using my sponsor, sponsoring others, and taking commitments. I had a strong relationship with my Higher Power and prayed constantly. Despite taking all these actions, I continued to experience extreme mood swings, suicidal depressions and paranoid delusions.

I was very fortunate to have sober women in my life, including my sponsor, who lovingly and without judgment encouraged me to seek outside help. Even the Big Book encourages us to seek outside help. On page 133 it says, "God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons."

A fellow A.A. introduced me to an excellent psychiatrist who understood the addictive nature of the alcoholic, and I was correctly diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. At first I was extremely resistant to taking medication because my ego told me I should be able to do without it. But experience clearly showed I could not. After much trial and error with a number of non-addictive psychiatric medications, we ultimately determined that a small dose of anti-seizure medication was enough to manage my symptoms. This medication made me well enough to reap the benefits of working my A.A. program. That was about 19 years ago, and by the grace of God and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am still sober today.

Although I occasionally have some challenging mental health episodes, I have a wonderful life today. I am useful, productive and reasonably happy, joyous and free. I can say with a fair degree of certainty that if I did not receive outside help for my bipolar disorder, my children would have had two alcoholic parents who died by suicide instead of just one. I can also say the same about A.A. I am certain that if I did not continue to make staying sober and helping another alcoholic my primary purpose, I would not have survived.

Today I am grateful for my mental illness. Not only can I see how it helped bring me to an early bottom, but it also keeps me from getting complacent. Because I am very fragile mentally and emotionally, I cannot afford to rest on my laurels. having bipolar disorder has also afforded me the experience to understand others who struggle with mental illness in addition to alcoholism - yet another example of how our dark past can become our greatest asset. Today I sponsor someone with an extreme mood disorder, and watching her persevere and go to any lengths to pursue all avenues of recovery has been and amazing and inspiring experience. That said, you do not need to have experience with mental illness in order to sponsor someone with mental illness. We are carrying the message of A.A., not acting as doctors or therapists.

There are still some alcoholics who think you are not sober if you take antidepressants or other medication. I would strongly encourage these individuals to read the pamphlet "The A.A. Member - Medications and Other Drugs," which states that some alcoholics require medication.

My experience has been that there are many A.A.s who shy away from members with mental illness. I've also witnessed intolerance of those with mental illness in meetings. I believe this primarily stems from fear. In the Third Tradition on pages 140-141 of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, it talks about this fear and intolerance. It goes on to say, "Yes, we were intolerant'...How could we know that thousands of these sometimes frightening people were to make astonishing recoveries and become our greatest workers and intimate friends?"

In Chapter 5 of the Big Book, it says, "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." We can recover and we do recover. We just need the love, support and compassion of our fellow A.A.s, and sometimes maybe just a little extra patience and tolerance.

- Taken from pages 17-18 of A.A. for Alcoholics with Mental Health Issues - and their sponsors pamphlet